And now for Volume 2 of Really, Guy?, my weekly column of utter disbelief. This week we’ll be featuring the words of Glenn Beck. If you don’t know his work, he’s a fat, sexless scrote-elf who yammers about Socialism (he’s against it), Communism (does not like it), Progressives (basically Nazis), God (the only real answer), America (GR8ST CUNTRY IN THE WURLD EVR) and gold (I still don’t really get his hard-on for gold) for a credulous audience of millions.
He’s also one of those hardcore conservatives who thinks that the merest criticism of Israel is anti-Semitic and un-American. Speaking as someone who was raised Jewish, the difference between Judaism and Zionism needs to be better articulated; I think the Jews deserve Israel, and I think the Palestinians are getting roundly fucked by the Israelis.
Today, however, he’s upset about the US aiding rebels in the Libya. Because that’s an affront to Israel, apparently. Watch:
I’ll just give you about a half hour to parse that, since, if you’ve never been lucky enough to experience the incoherent gurglings of Baby Beck, it can be a bewildering listen.
I, personally, do not have a coherent opinion on Libya. Like many people, I think that Gaddafi is a tyrant, that the Libyan opposition is in the right, and that without assistance the rebels will get the dogshit kicked out of them. On the other hand, like most liberals, I am VERY reluctant to cheer on another military intervention in the Middle East. No one wants another Rwanda. No one wants another Afghanistan.
Especially not Hot Fetish Blonde.
Like I said.
I think the wave of insurgencies across the Middle East is an encouraging sign that a region stuck between the distant past and the problematic present is finally looking to modernize. Basically, all that shit we’ve been trying to do in Iraq? Sisters are doing it for themselves.
Quick sidenote: Women are still treated like shit in much of the Middle East. I was referring to the rebels as sisters because it amused me to do so, and because it sounded a little gay. Gayness + Middle Eastern Insurgency = Comedy Gold. Except that they treat gays like shit, too. Maybe I’ll go back and edit that, but probably not. You just read all this! Have a sandwich, fucko!
What Beck is saying is that we’re empowering the enemies of Israel, that the merest attempt to halt the massacre of a few thousand Libyans by an oppressive regime is spitting in the face of our greatest ally in the region.
This seems to me a colossal act of point-missing. Is it not possible that with democracy replacing tyranny there will be, as so many rap-type artists have begged, “Peace in the Middle East?” That perhaps the anti-Semitism of so many countries in the region might be a little eased when their leaders don’t pump “Jews are responsible for all of your troubles” into the state press every day?
I mean, fuck it, who knows, it might be a total disaster, and once new governments have been implemented there might be a decision to REALLY stir shit up. We just don’t know. But isn’t a world without a Mubarak or a Gaddafi or an Ahmadinejad in power automatically a better place?
And look, not to dissect the ramblings of a retarded goat-boy or anything, but is it really fair to say that to support Libyan rebels is somehow anti-Israeli? That’s like saying saving a racist from being hit by a truck makes you a Klansman. Israel may be many things, but it is not an unambiguous force for good. America’s conservative hard-on for Israel (which, by the way, derives not from liking Jews but largely from the evangelical Christian belief that Israel will play a pivotal role in the Second Coming) is what’s stopping our center-right government from taking an adult tone regarding their treatment of Palestine.
I’ll say it clearly so that no bloated, paranoid shit-monkey accuses me of calling Israel evil: Israel is a functional Middle-Eastern democracy that has done great things, given a home to a homeless people and should exist forever. And it wouldn’t kill them to give a little ground to the Palestinians. Hell, it might show the rest of the Middle East that Israel isn’t the root of all evil. Sweet, cuddly Israel.
But no, Glenn Beck thinks that stopping the death of thousands means we’re turning our back on Israel. He thinks that because he’s a simpleton, and he says it on air because he thinks that Real America is made up of simpletons, too.
Fuck you, Glenn Beck. And I leave you with our Really, Guy? mascot to play us off.